Here’s to Hoping

Today is March 7th. I’ve showered, eaten breakfast, watched Netflix, and worked on a paper…all with the faint thought of picking back up on my blog. I’ve been thinking about it for months, now. I’ve written down notes in my phone regarding possible topics to write about, but I just found difficulty putting my fingers to my keyboard to write out my thoughts. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to come across as if I believe the way I think is the how I think everyone else should think. Or maybe it’s because I’m hesitant of being too open and personal. Maybe it’s because I don’t think what I have to say is really all that important in the middle of the everyday events and struggles so many people experience. 

To be completely honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this right now. I don’t really understand why I decided to start typing this blog post today, as opposed to all the other days of the last couple of months.. But today, I am going to express what I’ve been mulling over for a while. 

I have had some interesting days, lately. To put it simply, I’ve been noticing feelings of internal imbalance. 

As I said, some days are good. These days, I feel positive, happy, and grateful. I feel as if I’m productive, I feel loved, and I feel as if tomorrow is going to be just as good of a day. 

However, the number of bad days have increased. There have been an increased amount of crying episodes, mostly within the same day, and moments of feeling “weird.” These days, my breathing feels off. It feels as if I’m constantly holding my breath, and I have to be extremely aware of making myself take deep breaths to try to soothe my heart which is pounding for no good reason. My body is tense, and I just have this sense that something is wrong. Something is wrong, and I don’t understand why I feel like this, and I just become more frustrated. I feel burdensome, lonely, and numb all at once. I spend these days fighting the way I feel, fighting the intrusively mean thoughts I hear, and fighting the unreasonable urge to cry and go to sleep because I want, need, to feel better. 

I haven’t had these frequent or bad days since last spring when I was experiencing depression. It scares me. I thought I worked through everything and that I was okay again. The best way to describe the way I feel is, it’s as if I started learning how to ride my bike and I felt confident to take the training wheels off, but then I’ve started to lose my balance, and it feels as if I’m realizing I actually wasn’t ready to continue on without help. 

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time. I’ve reached the point of constantly wanting answers for how I think and feel, instead of just obsessively analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings. 

To be frank, I’m exhausted. During the bad days, hours feel like weeks. I’ll have a terrible morning, and then as if a switch flips off, I can’t remember why I was feeling so weird, and the way I acted feels like those were actions of another person. During the good days, I’m nervous I’m going to start acting out. I’m nervous about ruining good moments with my family or friends. 

It’s as if I’m on edge all the time about being on edge, which then turns into me being on edge because I feel on edge about being on edge… A truly fascinating, and equally as frustrating, phenomenon. 

I don’t know how seeing a psychiatrist is going to go. One part of me just wants to start on medicine to ease the anxious side of me, and hopes I feel satisfied with the help I’m receiving. Another part of me is scared the answers I’m looking for are not the answers I’ll receive. 

What if I actually don’t have an anxiety disorder, and I just will have to figure all this own on my own? What if this is a cluster of occasional relapses of depressive symptoms? What if I’m actually just being dramatic and subconsciously attention seeking because I’m not happy with the way I feel about myself? 

What if a constant state of feelings of contentment is actually not possible and this imbalance is the way I’m going to feel forever, and I just have to figure out how to cope day to day? 

I don’t know. I don’t know and I hate not knowing. I feel out of control, and it eats at me. 

I just want to feel better, on a daily basis. 

Taking this next step to see a psychiatrist is scary and exciting. I have worries and doubts, but I’m trying to be positive. 

Here’s to hoping…

Adjusting to Expansion

I have trouble with this, daily… As my mind expands, my senses are heightened.  Continue reading “Adjusting to Expansion”

The Heart Knows Something Different

People easily become statistics…whether in poverty, crime, prison, underage pregnancies, or foster care system. We forget people have emotions, aspirations, dreams, fears, insecurities, and passions when all they are to us are numbers.

The Resident’s Creed

I’m gonna succeed
I’m gonna make it
You may not believe me
but I’m young and strong
and I’m moving on
to make a place for me

So shake your head
and think your thoughts
as if I am deceived
but the last horse in line
doesn’t always finish last
by chance it takes lead

You may notice my wrongs
and when I fall off the track
but you never take the time
to give credit that’s due
when I dust off my knees
and start back

I have many more laps to go
and, yes, bleed blood if I must
bleed because I know
somewhere, out there, there’s a finish line, my destination

whatever it is,
whatever it is,
I will reach it,
I will succeed,
you will see

– Tameka Ross, 19

Continue reading “The Heart Knows Something Different”

I love you and I like you

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun. There are some relationships that are shallow. There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go. There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives. And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

One of the most prized possessions in life is love. We love the idea of love, whether that love is romantic, family-oriented, friendly, or even general. With the different labels come different dimensions of love, different types of love that a person is able to give and experience. They say, “Love makes the world go round,” and I agree.

Today, I celebrate the love I share with my boyfriend, Kasra.
We made the “halfway mark” on our journey to our first anniversary, and although this may seem frivolous to some, this means so much to me.

To put it simply, I identify heterosexually, and I’ve shown interest in romance since I was young. I’ve met many guys throughout my adolescent, teenage, and young adult years. I been involved in many heterosexual relationships in my life. I may have had a few boyfriends in my life, but each experience with them has been a learning process and has contributed to the path that led me to where I am, and who I am, today.

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun.
There are some relationships that are shallow.
There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go.
There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives.
And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

I’ve loved a few men in my life…all which have affected me in their own way.
But none have influenced me the way my current love does today.

Continue reading “I love you and I like you”

The Greatest Lesson I Continue to Learn

I remember calling my mom and talking to her on the phone. I filled her in on where I was and described to her the previous night. We talked about what was going on, and how I was processing it.
In tears, I told her I was done.

You can count Thursday nights in Hammond to be quite eventful. Thursday is the new Friday at Southeastern.
To say the least, I enjoyed myself last night, on the first Thursday of the semester. Not only were we celebrating everyone being back from winter break, but we were also celebrating the start of the new adventure of one of my best friends, Kat.

To spend time together once more, I ate brunch with Kat this morning at a local restaurant in Hammond called Yellow Bird Cafe. However soon as I arrived, I couldn’t stop thinking about the last time I ate at the restaurant.

Although it was almost 9 months ago, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Continue reading “The Greatest Lesson I Continue to Learn”

I am who I am

You can go for days, weeks, months, even, and feel perfectly normal.
And then one day, everything is different.
It starts off small, unnoticeable.

As if every little thing flusters you: dropping your pen, not being able to find what you’re looking for, loud noises.
You try to shake it off.

It’s okay.
Nothing’s wrong.

You can go for days, weeks, monthseven, and feel perfectly normal.
And then one day, everything is different.

It starts off small, unnoticeable.

As if every little thing flusters you: dropping your pen, not being able to find what you’re looking for, loud noises.
You try to shake it off.

It’s okay.
Nothing’s wrong.
Continue reading “I am who I am”

Andrew Boyd

“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”

Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe