while seeking joy…


How did this happen to me? And why?

Hi there. I’m back.

This time, I want to talk about the difference I’ve come to see in my personality over the last year or so.

I’ve always liked to think I’m a positive person. I generally see the good in people and look for the bright side of obstacles. I try to speak kindness and spread joy to all in which I come in contact.

However, as I’ve become more aware of the many difficult situations, I’ve seen a different side of me come to surface, and I’m still trying to understand it.

To put it simply, I’ve become angrier.

I’m angry at the prejudice and discrimination I witness and the thoughtlessness of the privilege I know people experience. I’m angry at the system for being built to favor certain types of people at the expense of others, only to blame the victim in a vicious cycle of injustice. I’m angry at those who don’t see any issues with the way they act or think, at those who deny what I see, and those who think I’m “just looking for problems in society.” I even find myself angry with people I care about not understanding why things are important to me and why I think they should be important to them.

How do I be a kind and loving soul with the passion to help others when in doing so, I become angry and aggressive?

It’s almost a paradox in itself.

In order to love and make a difference in the lives of others, I have to open up to the ugliest sides of the world without letting it all swallow me. It’s a lot more difficult than I thought.

Everything I look at, I observe. I see all the prejudice and the progress, but I’ve grown to using a critical perspective. I look for norms created, sustained, and broken…and I’ve developed this perspective that traditional norms are being broken in their own ways at their own pace, it’s not good enough. There can always be more progress, but in reality, there can only be so much progress at a time…and I know this. But still, I continue to push for more, and in doing so, I find a lack of appreciation within myself.

Some days, I can’t tell if I’ve become angrier because of my mind expanding to different realities of others’ life or in part due to my continued struggle with anxiety and depression.

Depression statistically affects the body in various ways, such as fatigue, pessimism, lack of joy in interests, anger, and even abnormal appetites this irritating. With the understanding of such symptoms, it’s become all I think about sometimes. I notice the slightest difference in my self-care and the way I act or think and I try to break myself down in order to fully understand how I am and why, with the effort to “fix” myself.

So I guess the way it comes down to my thought process is this: overwhelming frustration. Frustration with myself, with others, with things I experience or hear of others experiencing.

How do I overcome this? How do I let things go? How do I remind myself I can’t fix everything with myself? How do I remember that sometimes people don’t want to change or don’t see what I see? How do I stay light, positive, and joyful?

I don’t have any answers. My mind reels and I just try to remember to take it one step at a time. But I still try to stay true to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life, with the mindfulness of being a more positive force than a negative one.

A little moment of gratitude

Kasra and I celebrated our first year together in July, and it has been one of many adventures. There are a list of reasons why I love him and why I see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but today has me thinking of one of the most significant reasons why I am with him…which is because of how much he builds me up when I spend so much time building up everyone else around me.

Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love being the positive light in the world of others. I live to love and be kind to all with whom I come in contact. However, sometimes, to put it simply, we forget our own dreams, needs, and capacity to live because we’re so focused on being there for others. Kasra reminds me of this every day.

From the beginning of our relationship, Kasra has done nothing but breathe dreams into me with every ounce of support he shows me. He encourages my excitement about life, and he never tells me anything is impossible, but instead does the opposite. He sees the fire in my soul to make a difference in this world, and he believes so much in me that I almost don’t have the capacity to not believe in myself. With Kasra by my side, I feel that anything is possible… that, no matter what, life is a blessing.

And for this, I am eternally grateful.

I love you, Kasra Khalili.
Thank you for being the greatest gift of all.

One of those days

As much as I like social media, I don’t like how I feel as if I have to seem like I have it all together all the time. I look at my pictures on instagram and Facebook, and I see all smiles and laughter.. but what aren’t shown are all the tears, the anger, the numbness, the frustration, or the vulnerability I feel. Continue reading “One of those days”

Here’s to Hoping

Today is March 7th. I’ve showered, eaten breakfast, watched Netflix, and worked on a paper…all with the faint thought of picking back up on my blog. I’ve been thinking about it for months, now. I’ve written down notes in my phone regarding possible topics to write about, but I just found difficulty putting my fingers to my keyboard to write out my thoughts.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to come across as if I believe the way I think is the how I think everyone else should think. Or maybe it’s because I’m hesitant of being too open and personal. Maybe it’s because I don’t think what I have to say is really all that important in the middle of the everyday events and struggles so many people experience.

To be completely honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this right now. I don’t really understand why I decided to start typing this blog post today, as opposed to all the other days of the last couple of months.. But today, I am going to express what I’ve been mulling over for a while.  Continue reading “Here’s to Hoping”

Adjusting to Expansion

I have trouble with this, daily… As my mind expands, my senses are heightened.  Continue reading “Adjusting to Expansion”

The Heart Knows Something Different

People easily become statistics…whether in poverty, crime, prison, underage pregnancies, or foster care system. We forget people have emotions, aspirations, dreams, fears, insecurities, and passions when all they are to us are numbers.

The Resident’s Creed

I’m gonna succeed
I’m gonna make it
You may not believe me
but I’m young and strong
and I’m moving on
to make a place for me

So shake your head
and think your thoughts
as if I am deceived
but the last horse in line
doesn’t always finish last
by chance it takes lead

You may notice my wrongs
and when I fall off the track
but you never take the time
to give credit that’s due
when I dust off my knees
and start back

I have many more laps to go
and, yes, bleed blood if I must
bleed because I know
somewhere, out there, there’s a finish line, my destination

whatever it is,
whatever it is,
I will reach it,
I will succeed,
you will see

– Tameka Ross, 19

Continue reading “The Heart Knows Something Different”

I love you and I like you

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun. There are some relationships that are shallow. There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go. There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives. And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

One of the most prized possessions in life is love. We love the idea of love, whether that love is romantic, family-oriented, friendly, or even general. With the different labels come different dimensions of love, different types of love that a person is able to give and experience. They say, “Love makes the world go round,” and I agree.

Today, I celebrate the love I share with my boyfriend, Kasra.
We made the “halfway mark” on our journey to our first anniversary, and although this may seem frivolous to some, this means so much to me.

To put it simply, I identify heterosexually, and I’ve shown interest in romance since I was young. I’ve met many guys throughout my adolescent, teenage, and young adult years. I been involved in many heterosexual relationships in my life. I may have had a few boyfriends in my life, but each experience with them has been a learning process and has contributed to the path that led me to where I am, and who I am, today.

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun.
There are some relationships that are shallow.
There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go.
There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives.
And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

I’ve loved a few men in my life…all which have affected me in their own way.
But none have influenced me the way my current love does today.

Continue reading “I love you and I like you”