Here’s to Hoping

Today is March 7th. I’ve showered, eaten breakfast, watched Netflix, and worked on a paper…all with the faint thought of picking back up on my blog. I’ve been thinking about it for months, now. I’ve written down notes in my phone regarding possible topics to write about, but I just found difficulty putting my fingers to my keyboard to write out my thoughts.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to come across as if I believe the way I think is the how I think everyone else should think. Or maybe it’s because I’m hesitant of being too open and personal. Maybe it’s because I don’t think what I have to say is really all that important in the middle of the everyday events and struggles so many people experience.

To be completely honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this right now. I don’t really understand why I decided to start typing this blog post today, as opposed to all the other days of the last couple of months.. But today, I am going to express what I’ve been mulling over for a while. 

I have had some interesting days, lately. To put it simply, I’ve been noticing feelings of internal imbalance.

As I said, some days are good. These days, I feel positive, happy, and grateful. I feel as if I’m productive, I feel loved, and I feel as if tomorrow is going to be just as good of a day.

However, the number of bad days have increased. There have been an increased amount of crying episodes, mostly within the same day, and moments of feeling “weird.” These days, my breathing feels off. It feels as if I’m constantly holding my breath, and I have to be extremely aware of making myself take deep breaths to try to soothe my heart which is pounding for no good reason. My body is tense, and I just have this sense that something is wrong. Something is wrong, and I don’t understand why I feel like this, and I just become more frustrated. I feel burdensome, lonely, and numb all at once. I spend these days fighting the way I feel, fighting the intrusively mean thoughts I hear, and fighting the unreasonable urge to cry and go to sleep because I want, need, to feel better.

I haven’t had these frequent or bad days since last spring when I was experiencing depression. It scares me. I thought I worked through everything and that I was okay again. The best way to describe the way I feel is, it’s as if I started learning how to ride my bike and I felt confident to take the training wheels off, but then I’ve started to lose my balance, and it feels as if I’m realizing I actually wasn’t ready to continue on without help.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time. I’ve reached the point of constantly wanting answers for how I think and feel, instead of just obsessively analyzing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings.

To be frank, I’m exhausted. During the bad days, hours feel like weeks. I’ll have a terrible morning, and then as if a switch flips off, I can’t remember why I was feeling so weird, and the way I acted feels like those were actions of another person. During the good days, I’m nervous I’m going to start acting out. I’m nervous about ruining good moments with my family or friends.

It’s as if I’m on edge all the time about being on edge, which then turns into me being on edge because I feel on edge about being on edge… A truly fascinating, and equally as frustrating, phenomenon.

I don’t know how seeing a psychiatrist is going to go. One part of me just wants to start on medicine to ease the anxious side of me, and hopes I feel satisfied with the help I’m receiving. Another part of me is scared the answers I’m looking for are not the answers I’ll receive.

What if I actually don’t have an anxiety disorder, and I just will have to figure all this own on my own? What if this is a cluster of occasional relapses of depressive symptoms? What if I’m actually just being dramatic and subconsciously attention seeking because I’m not happy with the way I feel about myself?

What if a constant state of feelings of contentment is actually not possible and this imbalance is the way I’m going to feel forever, and I just have to figure out how to cope day to day?

I don’t know. I don’t know and I hate not knowing. I feel out of control, and it eats at me.

I just want to feel better, on a daily basis.

Taking this next step to see a psychiatrist is scary and exciting. I have worries and doubts, but I’m trying to be positive.

Here’s to hoping…


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