How did this happen to me? And why?

Hi there. I’m back.

This time, I want to talk about the difference I’ve come to see in my personality over the last year or so.

I’ve always liked to think I’m a positive person. I generally see the good in people and look for the bright side of obstacles. I try to speak kindness and spread joy to all in which I come in contact.

However, as I’ve become more aware of the many difficult situations, I’ve seen a different side of me come to surface, and I’m still trying to understand it.

To put it simply, I’ve become angrier.

I’m angry at the prejudice and discrimination I witness and the thoughtlessness of the privilege I know people experience. I’m angry at the system for being built to favor certain types of people at the expense of others, only to blame the victim in a vicious cycle of injustice. I’m angry at those who don’t see any issues with the way they act or think, at those who deny what I see, and those who think I’m “just looking for problems in society.” I even find myself angry with people I care about not understanding why things are important to me and why I think they should be important to them.

How do I be a kind and loving soul with the passion to help others when in doing so, I become angry and aggressive?

It’s almost a paradox in itself.

In order to love and make a difference in the lives of others, I have to open up to the ugliest sides of the world without letting it all swallow me. It’s a lot more difficult than I thought.

Everything I look at, I observe. I see all the prejudice and the progress, but I’ve grown to using a critical perspective. I look for norms created, sustained, and broken…and I’ve developed this perspective that traditional norms are being broken in their own ways at their own pace, it’s not good enough. There can always be more progress, but in reality, there can only be so much progress at a time…and I know this. But still, I continue to push for more, and in doing so, I find a lack of appreciation within myself.

Some days, I can’t tell if I’ve become angrier because of my mind expanding to different realities of others’ life or in part due to my continued struggle with anxiety and depression.

Depression statistically affects the body in various ways, such as fatigue, pessimism, lack of joy in interests, anger, and even abnormal appetites this irritating. With the understanding of such symptoms, it’s become all I think about sometimes. I notice the slightest difference in my self-care and the way I act or think and I try to break myself down in order to fully understand how I am and why, with the effort to “fix” myself.

So I guess the way it comes down to my thought process is this: overwhelming frustration. Frustration with myself, with others, with things I experience or hear of others experiencing.

How do I overcome this? How do I let things go? How do I remind myself I can’t fix everything with myself? How do I remember that sometimes people don’t want to change or don’t see what I see? How do I stay light, positive, and joyful?

I don’t have any answers. My mind reels and I just try to remember to take it one step at a time. But I still try to stay true to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life, with the mindfulness of being a more positive force than a negative one.


One of those days

As much as I like social media, I don’t like how I feel as if I have to seem like I have it all together all the time. I look at my pictures on instagram and Facebook, and I see all smiles and laughter.. but what aren’t shown are all the tears, the anger, the numbness, the frustration, or the vulnerability I feel. Continue reading “One of those days”

I love you and I like you

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun. There are some relationships that are shallow. There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go. There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives. And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

One of the most prized possessions in life is love. We love the idea of love, whether that love is romantic, family-oriented, friendly, or even general. With the different labels come different dimensions of love, different types of love that a person is able to give and experience. They say, “Love makes the world go round,” and I agree.

Today, I celebrate the love I share with my boyfriend, Kasra.
We made the “halfway mark” on our journey to our first anniversary, and although this may seem frivolous to some, this means so much to me.

To put it simply, I identify heterosexually, and I’ve shown interest in romance since I was young. I’ve met many guys throughout my adolescent, teenage, and young adult years. I been involved in many heterosexual relationships in my life. I may have had a few boyfriends in my life, but each experience with them has been a learning process and has contributed to the path that led me to where I am, and who I am, today.

There are some relationships that are just a lot of fun.
There are some relationships that are shallow.
There are some relationships that are toxic and need to be let go.
There are some relationships that are good for only a certain season in our lives.
And then there are some relationships that you can’t fathom living without after they come into your life.

I’ve loved a few men in my life…all which have affected me in their own way.
But none have influenced me the way my current love does today.

Continue reading “I love you and I like you”

The Greatest Lesson I Continue to Learn

I remember calling my mom and talking to her on the phone. I filled her in on where I was and described to her the previous night. We talked about what was going on, and how I was processing it.
In tears, I told her I was done.

You can count Thursday nights in Hammond to be quite eventful. Thursday is the new Friday at Southeastern.
To say the least, I enjoyed myself last night, on the first Thursday of the semester. Not only were we celebrating everyone being back from winter break, but we were also celebrating the start of the new adventure of one of my best friends, Kat.

To spend time together once more, I ate brunch with Kat this morning at a local restaurant in Hammond called Yellow Bird Cafe. However soon as I arrived, I couldn’t stop thinking about the last time I ate at the restaurant.

Although it was almost 9 months ago, I remember that day like it was yesterday. Continue reading “The Greatest Lesson I Continue to Learn”