Hi there. I’m back.
This time, I want to talk about the difference I’ve come to see in my personality over the last year or so.
I’ve always liked to think I’m a positive person. I generally see the good in people and look for the bright side of obstacles. I try to speak kindness and spread joy to all in which I come in contact.
However, as I’ve become more aware of the many difficult situations, I’ve seen a different side of me come to surface, and I’m still trying to understand it.
To put it simply, I’ve become angrier.
I’m angry at the prejudice and discrimination I witness and the thoughtlessness of the privilege I know people experience. I’m angry at the system for being built to favor certain types of people at the expense of others, only to blame the victim in a vicious cycle of injustice. I’m angry at those who don’t see any issues with the way they act or think, at those who deny what I see, and those who think I’m “just looking for problems in society.” I even find myself angry with people I care about not understanding why things are important to me and why I think they should be important to them.
How do I be a kind and loving soul with the passion to help others when in doing so, I become angry and aggressive?
It’s almost a paradox in itself.
In order to love and make a difference in the lives of others, I have to open up to the ugliest sides of the world without letting it all swallow me. It’s a lot more difficult than I thought.
Everything I look at, I observe. I see all the prejudice and the progress, but I’ve grown to using a critical perspective. I look for norms created, sustained, and broken…and I’ve developed this perspective that traditional norms are being broken in their own ways at their own pace, it’s not good enough. There can always be more progress, but in reality, there can only be so much progress at a time…and I know this. But still, I continue to push for more, and in doing so, I find a lack of appreciation within myself.
Some days, I can’t tell if I’ve become angrier because of my mind expanding to different realities of others’ life or in part due to my continued struggle with anxiety and depression.
Depression statistically affects the body in various ways, such as fatigue, pessimism, lack of joy in interests, anger, and even abnormal appetites this irritating. With the understanding of such symptoms, it’s become all I think about sometimes. I notice the slightest difference in my self-care and the way I act or think and I try to break myself down in order to fully understand how I am and why, with the effort to “fix” myself.
So I guess the way it comes down to my thought process is this: overwhelming frustration. Frustration with myself, with others, with things I experience or hear of others experiencing.
How do I overcome this? How do I let things go? How do I remind myself I can’t fix everything with myself? How do I remember that sometimes people don’t want to change or don’t see what I see? How do I stay light, positive, and joyful?
I don’t have any answers. My mind reels and I just try to remember to take it one step at a time. But I still try to stay true to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life, with the mindfulness of being a more positive force than a negative one.